Unless you’re under a rock, you know Valentine’s Day is coming up. You can’t go into a store without seeing the acres of red and pink and hearts and all the other things that go along with this sappy holiday designed to sell boxes of candy and keep the greeting card industry afloat.

But what if you could give a crap about Valentine’s Day? Is there a “Bah Humbug” phrase for the anti-Valentine crowd? Or are you newly single and have a lot of angst for anything to do with this sickeningly sweet holiday? Well, have I got the thing for you.

Think Geek is selling Despair, Inc.’s (the creator of the fantastic Demotivators) Bittersweets. They have three different “themes”: Dejected, Dysfunctional, and Dumped. Reminiscent of the traditional candy hearts, these Bittersweets don’t have cutesy sayings like “BE MINE” or “LUV U”, but more sinister platitudes like “RATHER DRINK” and “TRADIN YOU IN”. Here’s the full list of each set:

Dejected sayings include:
I MISS MY EX | PEAKED AT 17 | MAIL ORDER | TABLE FOR 1 | I CRY ON Q | U C MY BLOG? | LOSS LEADER | A FINE WHINE | MOMMY ISSUES | DIGNITY FREE | DORK MAGNET | PURE NAUSEA | WE HAD PLANS | MAIL ORDER | SETTLE 4LESS | I’M HOT INSIDE

Dysfunctional sayings include:
ANNULMENT | I BEEN CREEPIN | HE CAN LISTEN | GAME ON TV | CALL A 900# | P.S. I LUV ME | DO MY DISHES | BOOTY INFL8N | PAROLE IS UP! | AWFUL INLAWS | SUB PRIME | I WANT HALF | RETURN 2 PIT | NO FIX 4 DUMB | RATHER DRINK | MUTUAL DISGUST

Dumped sayings include:
I GOT SOBER | HE FIT U FAT | U LEFT SEATUP | USED U 4 FUN | JUST A FRIEND | BACK 2 KENNEL | DORKA PHOBIC | U HAVE A BLOG | RUSSIAN BRIDE | CELEB8 THX2U | DOG IS CUTER | TRADIN YOU IN | FORGET WE MET | KISS A FROG | SHE IS 22! | HE HAS A JOB

Each heart-shaped tin contains at least 37 of the (I’m assuming) sweet-tasting Bittersweets for $9.99. If you buy 2 or more of the tins, you also get 20% off – so collect them all!

[Think Geek]