It’s been a quiet holiday weekend and there’s not much new on the gadget front so I started looking for some archive material on gadgets that didn’t make it.

Two are gadgets associated with menstruation, one with sexual intercourse. At first I thought it wasn’t cool to make fun of such matters, but on reflection I think that they shouldn’t be a taboo subject.

Please judge for yourself!

US Patent No 5,729,835 March ’98 “Panty liner for use with thong underwear”.

The first is a panty liner for when you’re menstruating and you decide to opt to wear a G-string or thong. Now girls, please correct me if I’m wrong, but that’s one time of the month when I’m sure you’re not feeling at your best, and the last thing you would you would reach for from the top drawer would be a G-string. These things don’t always come forewarned though, so if you’re a habitual thong wearer, I guess it might make sense to keep one of these in your handbag, just in case.

United States Patent 5,620,429 “Feminine napkin allows external sexual intercourse”

OK; this is a pad that allows external intercourse, but I wondered if I missed a key biology class when I saw this one. I mean I’m a married man with a child, but I’d never imagined anything like this… there seem to be two vaginal orifices there. I really can’t figure this one out, so any advice and tips would be greatly appreciated!

US Patent No 5,524,638 June ’96 “Erection Aid”

This is the wife’s favourite. It’s a sort of strap-on tightener, which plays music (maybe a sort of iPenis) and flashes LED’s when it’s subjected to a force. Musical suggestions written in the patent include:

• The 1812 Overture (it’s 16 minutes though…)
• Happy Birthday
• The Ode to Joy (Beethoven’s 9th)
• We’ve Only Just Begun (The Carpenter’s)

Those are some interesting ideas, but I think this is one gadget that would have made it if it had played “Take My Breath Away” by Berlin, or “She Will Be Loved” by Marooned 5.

Dare I ask for other suggestions?

Found via smoking gun.